It is day three of my new no diet life. As usual, the first thought that enters my mind as I wake up is, ''I wonder how much I weigh today." Only now the scale isn't there and I dont know what that number is. Its scary - very scary and very disorientating when your whole life has revolved around a number and now that number isn't there. That number that would make or break the day. In a way its a good feeling and in a way its downright terrifying.
At this stage Im still keeping a food diary and trying to listen to what my body wants in terms of nourishment. As you can imagine, after years of stuffing food into it indiscriminately, it's voice has been blurred to say the least. That voice is now so small and so faint that its hard to hear it. The voice of millions of diets past seems to be screaming in my head. Good, better, best food choices, high carb, how carb and more, flood my conciousness. I try to ignore what I should be having and try to hear what I want. I dont think Im succeeding very well yet.
The food diary', listing how hungry I am when I eat and what kind of hunger it is, is delivering some interesting insights. I eat for so many reasons and few of them are body hunger. Surprise, surprise. I knew this long ago.
If I feel so fat and ugly, why can't I make a concious link between that feeling and overeating and why doesn't it make me stop eating?
I started the day with oats and a little milk, followed by two cups of coffee.
All went well until after lunch when I had eaten my sandwiches. All of a sudden I wanted crisps. It was such an overwhelming urge. I wasn't hungry, as I had just finished lunch.
I gobbled down 3 packets of chips followed by a chocolate before I knew what happened. I dont know what went wrong or why I suddenly wanted them.
Im trying to analyse why I thought that the eating would help the stress and what the craving for the crunch of the chips followed by the smooth, silky chocolate had to do with stress relief.
Perhaps the carbs at lunch triggered the carb craving? Strange.
Monday and Tuesday went fine - no cravings and not much thought of food at all.
My legs rub together again (12kgs last time I weighed, up from my lowest - thank God still 19kgs away from what my highest was).
My feet hurt. Im living on Rennies again. I hate it.
I conciously think of loosing weight and, without warning, a feeling of intense fear overwhelmes me like giant butterflies in my tummy. Its fleeting but intense. I wish I could figure out why Im scared of parting with this fat suit of armour I wear. The fat is making me miserable, but not miserable enough to stop eating.
Im listening to my Mind Over Fatter tracks in the car going to work and Im starting to work through the book.
There is lots and lots of emotional work to be done. 48 years worth of negative programming to be undone!!
Im not going to allow my fear to drive me back to Diet City. Iv taken the road to Nature's Valley and Im going to get there no matter how many potholes there are in the road. Im GOING to get through this.
Part of my affirmation - Today I start anew with the full realization that the world is full of rich opportunities.