Yesterday was one of the most aweful days I can remember in a long time.
We went clothes shopping. I was SO disgusted by the fact that I have picked up 12 kgs of the 28kgs that I had lost. Last summer, trying on clothes was bordering on pleasant. A size 16 looked good. I had made all my pants much smaller and they are now snug, to say the least.
The size 16s fitted tightly and I ended up taking the 18s, much against my will but I need something summery to wear to work.
I spent the whole day feeling huge. My feet hurt walking around the shops.
I kept thinking that I must have picked up 5kgs since putting the scale away - thats what it feels like.
I feel completely panicky about gaining. How am I going to get back to where I was if Iv picked up? As it is I have to loose the 12 again.
Last night I dreamed that I was so big. It woke me up in the night and I felt how heavy and big my body felt.
This morning I asked Sue to get the scale out of hiding. My weight had stayed the same at 102.5. No gain this week but no loss either. I sigh a huge sigh of relief. I expected to weigh at least 105 cause thats what it felt like.
I felt a bit more relaxed after that. I think that the scale is going to have to stay out a little while longer.
I will give it up, but no yet.
Today was better.
Im still stuggling to eat when Im hungry.
Im keeping my food diary and think Im going to speed up the process and start recording my hunger types from tomorrow to try and identify why Im eating when Im not hungry.
If a thin person had to read this, they would probably think that it sounds unbelievable that one could obsess about your weight and what you're eating like this.
Whilst Weigh Less did teach me aa healthier way of eating and meal planning, it also taught me to obsess about every mouthful I put into my mouth. Food has to be constantly thought about, planned, shopped for, prepared etc.
I want to actually forget about food and just take it as it comes. I wish I didn't have to shop or cook.
I hope that this week will take me a step closer on my journey.
Im reading the Mind Over Fatter book and its mind boggling how much food baggage we carry from our childhoods and how much baggage we've unwittingly handed to our children.
I wish I had known these things long ago. The question is, if I had, could I have done something about it?