Disconnected...

This has been a manic week at work and I'v barely had time to think.  The pressure for my branch to make our sales budget is intense and so I haven't had much time to focus on myself or on my Mind Over Fatter journey.

I was feeling so bloated on Monday and my boots were to tight around the ankles that I felt as if my blood circulation was being cut off.  I decided to see if cutting out bread would make a difference.  Sue is very against me following a high protein diet but I have found that, if I cut out bread in particular, the cravings for sweet stuff goes away and the bloating eases.

I'v lost 1.5kgs in two days just from cutting out bread and the bloating has eased.  I feel 'lighter'.  I haven't cut out rice or fruit and yogurt.  Those carbs dont seem to make that much of a difference but bread is definitely the killer.  The worst thing is that it seems to set up cravings for all sorts of other carbs, particularly sweet things.  Bizarre.  I guess that is part of 'listening to what your body wants' or in this case ' taking note of what youre body doesn't want'.  I read in a magazine over the week-end that people who consume lots of gluten have lots of belly fat, and that is definitely so in my case.

My quest to listen to my body is progressing steadily.  I am trying to question when I want something, why I want it and what it could be telling me.  Im going to start the second phase of the food diary tomorrow and am looking forward to seeing what that reveals.  Im feeling a lot more positive about myself and haven't been focussing on feeling fat and disgusting.  Iv tried to use some positive affirmations to positively programme my mind.  It seems to be working. 

Affirmations that Im using :

1. My health, energy, and vitality are increasing everyday.

2. My positive thoughts are now creating the body that I desire.

3. I am a lean, mean, fat burning, muscle building machine.

4. My body is now trained to burn fat and build muscle.

5. I am growing more and more attractive everyday.

6. Divine life now flows through every cell in my body.

7. I am now totally energized. My body is now exploding with massive amounts of energy and enthusiasm.

8. I now eat all the right foods for optimum health, energy, and peak performance.

9. I now alkalize and energize my body everyday by eating live green foods and drinking green drinks.

10. My body is healing and regenerating itself everyday.

11. With every deep breath I take, my body is burning fat and creating massive energy, health, and vitality.

12. I now see myself filled with health, energy, and enthusiasm.

13. I now have all the energy I need.

14. The more energy I use, the more energy I have.

15. I now fill my body with life giving oxygen through deep breathing everyday.

16. I create good health habits quickly and easily.

17. My body now eliminates all toxins quickly, easily, and healthfully.

18. I am now relaxed and filled with peace of mind. In my relaxed state, my body repairs and heals itself quickly.

19. All of the cells in my body exist in harmony and peace with every other cell in my body.

20. I get a full night's rest everyday.

21. When I sleep, my mind is at peace and the healing powers within my body are magnified.

22. The creative intelligence which made my body is now transforming every cell according to nature's perfect pattern.

23. My healing thoughts are now going deep into my subconscious mind and bringing total and continuous healing to my body.

24. I now enjoy a large variety of water rich foods that fully cleanse and nourish every cell in my body everyday. 　

25. I consciously control my biochemistry by putting my body into peak emotional states, by healthy eating, exercise, and adequate rest everyday.

26. I sleep in peace and I wake in joy. Through peaceful sleep, my body and mind are renewed and restored to perfect health

Panicky and feeling huge

Yesterday was one of the most aweful days I can remember in a long time.

We went clothes shopping.  I was SO disgusted by the fact that I have picked up 12 kgs of the 28kgs that I had lost.  Last summer, trying on clothes was bordering on pleasant.  A size 16 looked good.  I had made all my pants much smaller and they are now snug, to say the least.
The size 16s fitted tightly and I ended up taking the 18s, much against my will but I need something summery to wear to work.
I spent the whole day feeling huge.  My feet hurt walking around the shops.
I kept thinking that I must have picked up 5kgs since putting the scale away - thats what it feels like.
I feel completely panicky about gaining.  How am I going to get back to where I was if Iv picked up?  As it is I have to loose the 12 again.
Last night I dreamed that I was so big.  It woke me up in the night and I felt how heavy and big my body felt. 
This morning I asked Sue to get the scale out of hiding.  My weight had stayed the same at 102.5.  No gain this week but no loss either.  I sigh a huge sigh of relief.  I expected to weigh at least 105 cause thats what it felt like.
I felt a bit more relaxed after that.  I think that the scale is going to have to stay out a little while longer.
I will give it up, but no yet.
Today was better.
Im still stuggling to eat when Im hungry.
Im keeping my food diary and think Im going to speed up the process and start recording my hunger types from tomorrow to try and identify why Im eating when Im not hungry.
If a thin person had to read this, they would probably think that it sounds unbelievable that one could obsess about your weight and what you're eating like this.
Whilst Weigh Less did teach me aa healthier way of eating and meal planning, it also taught me to obsess about every mouthful I put into my mouth.  Food has to be constantly thought about, planned, shopped for, prepared etc. 
I want to actually forget about food and just take it as it comes.  I wish I didn't have to shop or cook.
I hope that this week will take me a step closer on my journey.
Im reading the Mind Over Fatter book and its mind boggling how much food baggage we carry from our childhoods and how much baggage we've unwittingly handed to our children.
I wish I had known these things long ago.  The question is, if I had, could I have done something about it?

The Fat Me

I answered a section in my Mind Over Fatter journal last night on The Fat Me - its quite thought provoking.  I'v been reading what I wrote over and over today and trying to decide if  The Fat Me is this way and feels this way, why I dont want to part with her.  I tried not to overthink the question before I wrote down the answers and just wrote what came into my head at that moment.

Personality : The Fat Me is jovial - the clown.  The Fat Me doesn't mince words and says exactly what she thinks, perhaps sometimes hurting people in the process.  She is positive and enthusiastic, bossy and quite demanding.  She likes things done her way.  Although she will listen to what others have to say, she is quite headstrong and doesn't usually back down from her point of view.  She is a fierce fighter for what she believes in.  Although she has a touch exterior, she is easily hurt but usually hides it under the 'happy face' and doesnt show that she has been hurt.  She loves a good laugh.  She loves deeply.  She is committed but easily bored.  She has high ideals and work ethic.  Her job is who she is as a person.  Do it perfectly or dont do it at all, is her motto.

How does The Fat Me move?  The Fat Me walks with difficulty.  Her feet hurt constantly.  She has dropped arches and finding nice shoes is a huge problem so she usually just wears what is comfortable and hopes that people wont look at her feet too much.  She feels like a great big elephant when she walks and feels that people look at her in a negative way.

What body parts does The Fat Me dislike?  The Fat Me hates her double chin most of all.  Every time she looks in the mirror, that is the first thing that she sees.  She hates her tummy almost as much.  Her round fat tummy that looks like a basin of well risen bread dough.  Her bum looks like two basins of well risen bread dough.  She thinks that her arms look like two Christmas hams.

What body part does The Fat Me like?  She doesn't like any body part.  She thinks that her eyes are pretty.

What does The Fat Me wear?  The Fat Me wears comfortable clothes rather than fashionable clothes.  She doesn't like big loose things, rather fitted but not too tight.  She wears understated clothes.  Things that don't call much attention to her.

How does The Fat Me feel.  The Fat Me hates her body. She doesn't look at herself naked for too long or in any great detail - a quick glance in the mirror is the most she will give herself. She tries to look at herself but can't.  She finds the image too unpleasant.  She doesn't know how anyone could love this body or want to touch it.  She feel panicky that she might get bigger if she looses control and gives in to her urges to eat.  She thinks of her weight virtually every minute of the day and it overshadows both good times and bad. She is her weight.

What can't The Fat Me Do?  The Fat Me can't walk far, she can't run.  Exercising is uncomfortable and quite unpleasant.  It is difficult to sit down on the floor and to get up.  She gets out of breath easily when walking.

Let your internal GPS be your guide

This morning I decided to experiment with my internal 'Food GPS'.  Yesterday's attempt at not bringing anything with to work to eat and eating what my body asked for was a dysmal failure.

I went down to Pick and Pay at lunch time in search of something for lunch and ended up coming back with two rolls, a piece of chicken and a packet of slap chips.  Epic fail!  GPS on the blink!  I am so used to packing in my little Weigh Less bag of goodies for work that it is quite disorientating having to go and look for something to eat when I'm hungry.

I struggle with breakfast big time.  I hate eating so early in the morning and I'm not at all 'tummy hungry'.  I'm following Cari's advice (http://www.ditch-diets-live-light.com/) of trying to listen to my body and only eat when I'm 'tummy hungry'.  For me, this usually happens at around 11am.

So this morning, after rushing around collecting stock for work and 2 cappucinos down the hatch, I headed into Pick and Pay Plattekloof (which is an awesome Pick and Pay!) and tried to breathe deeply, relax and let my internal GPS lead me to what my body wanted to eat.  I know that probably sounds hillarious and you're probably picturing me aimlessly wondering around the isles like a bloodhound but, surprisingly, I headed for the salad counter and bought a delicious bakkie of freshly chopped fruit.  Juicy strawberries, tart goosberries, silky kiwi, crunchy pineapple - Yummy.  I also got a bakkie of chopped mixed salad for lunch (another trip to the shops later was not on the cards) and some slices of shaved chicken.  I then headed off to get a yogurt - grandilla caught my fancy -   Mission accomplished!

I am feeling extremely virtuous, having just munched through my fruit salad and yogurt.  Its very difficult to savour the flavours when you're having mouthfuls inbetween working.  I know thats not supposed to be how it happens but I dont actually have the time to 'stop and eat and savour'.

I'm seriously working on getting this Internal GPS to function at maximum efficiency.  Watch this space.

Disorientating and emotionally turbulent

It is day three of my new no diet life.  As usual, the first thought that enters my mind as I wake up is, ''I wonder how much I weigh today."  Only now the scale isn't there and I dont know what that number is.  Its scary - very scary and very disorientating when your whole life has revolved around a number and now that number isn't there. That number that would make or break the day.  In a way its a good feeling and in a way its downright terrifying.

At this stage Im still keeping a food diary and trying to listen to what my body wants in terms of nourishment.  As you can imagine, after years of stuffing food into it indiscriminately, it's voice has been blurred to say the least.  That voice is now so small and so faint that its hard to hear it.  The voice of millions of diets past seems to be screaming in my head.  Good, better, best food choices, high carb, how carb and more, flood my conciousness.  I try to ignore what I should be having and try to hear what I want.  I dont think Im succeeding very well yet.

The food diary', listing how hungry I am when I eat and what kind of hunger it is, is delivering some interesting insights.  I eat for so many reasons and few of them are body hunger.  Surprise, surprise.  I knew this long ago.

Questions:
If I feel so fat and ugly, why can't I make a concious link between that feeling and overeating and why doesn't it make me stop eating?

I started the day with oats and a little milk, followed by two cups of coffee.
All went well until after lunch when I had eaten my sandwiches.  All of a sudden I wanted crisps.  It was such an overwhelming urge.  I wasn't hungry, as I had just finished lunch. 
I gobbled down 3 packets of chips followed by a chocolate before I knew what happened.  I dont know what went wrong or why I suddenly wanted them.
Im trying to analyse why I thought that the eating would help the stress and what the craving for the crunch of the chips followed by the smooth, silky chocolate had to do with stress relief.
Perhaps the carbs at lunch triggered the carb craving?  Strange.
Monday and Tuesday went fine - no cravings and not much thought of food at all.

My legs rub together again (12kgs last time I weighed, up from my lowest - thank God still 19kgs away from what my highest was).
My feet hurt.  Im living on Rennies again.  I hate it.
I conciously think of loosing weight and, without warning, a feeling of intense fear overwhelmes me like giant butterflies in my tummy. Its fleeting but intense.  I wish I could figure out why Im scared of parting with this fat suit of armour I wear.  The fat is making me miserable, but not miserable enough to stop eating.

Im listening to my Mind Over Fatter tracks in the car going to work and Im starting to work through the book.
There is lots and lots of emotional work to be done.  48 years worth of negative programming to be undone!!
Im not going to allow my fear to drive me back to Diet City.  Iv taken the road to Nature's Valley and Im going to get there no matter how many potholes there are in the road.   Im GOING to get through this.

Part of my affirmation - Today I start anew with the full realization that the world is full of rich opportunities.

The journey begins ...

I collected my programme yesterday and read the first few pages last night, but was too tired to continue.

This morning I awoke and, as usual, the very first thought that entered my mind was "I wonder what the damage was of yesterday's eating''  We had a lovely day out at a friend's birthday lunch.  Thinking back, the overriding thought of the whole day was ''I wonder how much Im going to pick up by eating what Im eating?''  Every mouthful of food was clouded by that thought and the enjoyment of the lunch overshadowed by thoughts of weight gain and are people watching me eat and thinking 'she should be eating less''.  Needless to say, our host was delighted when he could offer me copious extra helpings and, no matter how many times I said 'no thank you' he insisted on refilling my plate.  Why is it so hard to say 'no''convincingly? Needless to say the food was delicious.

My morning ritual of jumping on the scale revealed a gain of .6kgs - better than expected but Im still disgusted by the fact that I have gained 12kgs from my lowest (after loosing 28kgs) a little more than 6 months ago.  What is it going to be like to not have that scale to jump on to every morning?  I have asked my partner, Sue, to hide the scale away where I can't find it, so this morning was my last ''fix'of that drug.

I know that getting on the scale is counter productive.  That number, be it up or down, has the power to colour my day - dark, light or in between.  If Iv lost, it's 'thats cool now how much can I loose today''.  If its up, its ''oh hell, I will have to try harder to today.  I wonder how little I will have to eat to be down tomorrow?''  Whatever the underlying message that the morning weigh in sends out, its seldom good.  Sometimes I wake up happy and feeling thin, get on that scale and either haven't lost, haven't lost as much or have actually picked up and my whole day is ruined.  Its going to be the most frightening and challenging aspect of this new journey - not getting on that scale first thing in the morning.  (I even take my scale with me when I go on holiday!)

Thank goodness the weather is bad today so I can relax and spend my time getting into the programme and listening to the CDs which will help put me on the path to weight loss freedom - Im hoping and trusting.
I know that for me (and I guess many other people), this whole weight loss thing is in the mind. If it wasn't, we would all be thin.  Its going to be challenging peeling back the layers and confronting the demons.  Its going to be challenging forming new habits and changing the old.  I truly want to take this journey though and I hope that some of you will take it with me.  I know that I have so much support and so many people wanting me to succeed in this and that makes all the difference.  (http://www.ditch-diets-live-light.com/)

A HUGE thank you to Sue for making this possible for always just wanting what is best for me.  Her love makes me want to succeed in this even more.

M

A new journey begins

For those of you who dont know me, read my story on http://www.mynewself.co.za/

My New Self takes a new turn today.  Iv decided that Iv had enough of focussing on what I weight and decided to take a completely new approach.

For those of you who know my story, I told you that I saw a psychologist for my weight in early 2000.  Cari Corbett Owen has now moved to the USA and put her approach to weight loss into a programme called Mind Over Fatter.  She helps us find the psychological reasons why we overeat and why diets constantly fail.
Her approach is quite radical - ditch the diets, ditch the bathroom scale, stop focussing on the 'number' i.e. how much you weight and start focussing on what our bodies naturally know and would do naturally if we let them.  She also includes CDs with her programme which help to re-programme your subconcious mind and give you the tools to get your weight off without dieting and without the stress of how much you  lost or didn't loose for the week. She also focusses on living joyfully and loving moving around rather than dreading exercise.

Imagine the freedom of never being on another diet and of not having worry about that dreaded number on the scale.  I find it quite terrifying!!  The first thought that is going through my mind is that I wont know how much Iv picked up or lost.  Does it really matter if you're getting thinner?  Think how much unhappiness and stress we cause ourself by focussing on that number, and on other people's numbers.  We feel like failures and when we do have a small success, the pleasure is short lived because we haven't changed the thinking which made us fat in the first place.  Our whole lives revolve about what we should eat, what we did eat, what we could have eaten, what we ate wrong etc.  For goodness sake!  There has to be more to life than that!!  The diet industry of course promotes this thinking because they are making millions out of people like us.  Isnt society funny.  We are constantly bombarded by food adverts, restaurant offers, cooking programmes etc. and then the fashion magazines who give us these pictures of stick thin models that we're supposed to try and look like.

I got my programme yesterday and Im getting started today.  I can't wait although I must tell you that Im afraid - no make that terrified!.  Afraid that I will pick up more weight, afraid that I wont succeed, afraid of what I will uncover as I peel back the layers of why I am overweight.  I will share my journey with you in the hope that it will encourage you to take a bold new step yourself and leave 'Diet City' as Cari calls it, behind forever.

Research has shown that 95-98% of diets fail.  Thats scary. We've all been at the point where we think 'what the hell is this all about?''  I will put a link to Cari's site on My New Self.  Go and have a look at it and see for yourself what she has to say.  Are you brave enough to never go on another diet and throw that scale away?